for Lahash International.
they're amazing and i'm so thankful to be here through them. Just got an email from Dan Holcomb, the head dude, and i was holding back tears while reading. It's pretty hard to be able to accurately express my experiences here, and what gets posted on my blog is a pretty slanted view. mostly, it's the tough stuff and none of the awesome stuff. but Dan and his crew understand pretty well what it's like and i'm so grateful to them. Here is my reply e-mail to Dan which will hopefully give you a better insight as to what life has been like for me the last couple months...
Dan,
thank you so much for the email. i'm very grateful that you would take so much time out of your busy life to just reflect about my experiences here, your experiences, and to give advice/encouragement. it means a lot to me. thank you.
i'm really glad that you are able to identify with some of my experience in tanzania so far. the ups and downs, the excitement and frustrations, the simplicity and confusion, the joy and heartbreaks. all of it.
i've actually been feeling a lot better the last couple weeks. i'm not really sure what happened, but i feel like one day maybe 2 weeks ago, something clicked. i just started to realize how much i've grown to love tanzania, the people there, the african way of life, despite all it's differences and confusion it brings to my life. i feel like the first month was just a lot of taking in everything. drinking in all the new sights and sounds, etc. the second month was just tough. that's when all the thinking/processing started and when i really started to feel the tensions of me being so western, yet living in a place so african. trying to figure out how to deal with that and balance things has been so difficult - and i'm not sure i've managed the most gracefully. i'm so thankful for my host family and all the people for just allowing me to go through that process. to retreat into my room and be anti-social, to have lunches with other wazungu to get some familiar community. to spend time emailing friends and family to try and keep important people in my life up to speed on my experience. But then, in the midst of all this, they still allow me to be a part of them. to engage in the services, to play with their kids, to pray with them. it's really quite amazing and i'm sad that it's taken me so long to be able to see that. i'm so glad though, that this last month can be one that is more balanced. that i will, of course, still struggle with much of the same stuff from the previous month, but i will be able to balance that with my love for and respect of the people in tanzania and their way of life. it's like you said, love is the most important. i do feel like much of my reaction to things going on and the differences between me and the tanzanians will be better from now on and i can honor god more in them because they will be grounded in the realization that i love them - and more importantly, so does God.
i think being in south africa has made me really appreciate my experience. I actually feel out of place in this city that is so developed and western. ha, how ironic. i keep thinking how sad it is that there's all these african people here, with none of their culture. it could be different in other areas of south africa, but certainly the african culture in cape town is confined to gift shops and township tours... So as much as i hoped south africa would be a time to re energize and refresh, it has really served more to show me how much i enjoy dodoma and tanzanians. how much the people and their culture have grown to occupy a large part of my heart. i guess you could call that 'refreshment' in a different kind of way.
Dan, i'm also so thankful to you and leisha and lahash. one, for allowing me - a total stranger- to be a part of what you do and your vision and heart. and two, (this is huge for me) for allowing me to go through this process, in the same way as the muhagachi's and people at iringa road. I know it must be discouraging to hear me write all these negative things on my blog, in emails, and through chats. but i'm so thankful to feel like you guys know that that's all part of the process and to feel like you have stood by me, despite my dwelling on the tough stuff. i hope you can know how thankful i am to you for that. And please know, that even through all the tough stuff, there was TONS of stuff that i was enjoying and loving. those just weren't the things that i ended up writing about to the public...but i've got it all in my journal.
and now, i'm feeling better than ever and ready to go back home and savor every last moment in Africa. i have no idea what my relationship with these people or lahash will be in he future, but i hope to continue serving them in some capacity.
So, thank you thank you thank you. god must be really pleased by all the work that you do and how you do it. talk to you soon.
Leah
***on an entirely different note, i tried to wire money from my host mom's account to my checking account in the states to be able to pay for the south africa trip more conveniently. it should've taken 2 days and it's been almost 2 weeks and no money. i have to talk to the bank when i get back but i'm quite nervous that all will be lost. it's a lot of money, and if i can't recover it i'll be absolutely broke. and probably in debt. so i'm really praying it gets sorted, and would appreciate your prayers as well, if you think about it! thanks :)
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
cape town
I've been having a good time so far, despite being by myself lol. Took a tour down the Cape Point which was awesome. The weather actually cleared up for most of the trip and it was breathtaking views the whole time. Drove down the point and saw ostriches, penguins, and baboons! Rode a bike for a bit down to the Cape of Good Hope and then a short hike up to a view point. Pretty gorgeous. Met 3 girls from Hawaii who are travelling all over and had a great time hanging out with them. Met up with them another day and walked around the waterfront and listened to live music at a little italian restaraunt. Been drinking lots of coffee and taking lots of walks around the city. Cape town feels very european and is kind of a weird experience since living in Dodoma for the past couple months. I've actually been missing tanzania and all things african. CT hardly feels african. and most of the africans i've met here are from other countries... The part of town my hostel is in feels a LOT like seattle or portland. full of coffee shops, hipsters, and retro boutiques. It's nice, but again, just weird to come from Tz to this. I'm sensing my transition to life back in Tacoma will be quite difficult also. There have been a couple hiccups during the trip involving my non-working ATM card (thus preventing me from getting cash at ALL. thank god i met those hawaii girls who have lent me some cash...) and also some obnoxious, drunk, british rugby fans (i had to switch out of my dorm room because one of them just wouldn't leave me alone...). But i'm trying to keep stress levels low and just go with the flow. Going back to Dar on tuesday and i'm excited for the heat, actually. it's too cold here!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
just an observation
Since my arrival in Africa, I have been experiencing life in some totally new and different ways. I really feel like before I came here, I had no concept of how different my thoughts and views and ways of doing life could be from my neighbours just across the globe. But that’s a lot of what brought me to Tanzania, wanting to know those things and see those differences. And they are many. I could spend all day talking about how different everything is here…from hugging, to showering, to family, to working and worshipping. But, at the moment, I only want to talk about one aspect of Africans that I’ve found different – one that I have really loved so far. It’s something I feel we don’t have in America or the West and I can’t be certain why it’s different or what makes a people react one way and another people a different way…
It’s in the singing. I feel like so much of the spirit of Africa is expressed through song. From what I’ve seen of these people, they have an unbelievable ability to endure. It seems like each person’s life story is riddled with struggle, hardship, and suffering. Even in the short amount of time I’ve been here, many of the staff at the church have had close family members or friends die. Many of the kids here are orphans and definitely don’t eat three times a day. The women in the programs at the church, in particular, endure amazing hardships. Most are HIV+ and are extremely poor, have no income, husbands are not around or are abusive, and the list goes on… Despite all these things, they sing. They clap, and dance, and cheer, and smile, and sing. It’s like they have this spirit that refuses to be broken, one which perseveres against all odds. I’m not saying they don’t ever lose hope or get depressed, but their tolerance for such trials and difficulties seems to far outweigh that of the Wests. I can’t help but be reminded of The Who’s in Dr. Seuss’ “How The Grinch Stole Christmas”. It was my favourite Christmas story growing up, and I still love it. At the end of the book, after the Who’s Christmas has been devastated and ruined by the Grinch, they gather in the town square, hold hands, and start singing. Their joy is not marred by their misfortune, it only served to remind them of what is most important; each other.
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit, He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it! "Pooh-Pooh to the Whos!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming. "They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!" "They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!" "Their mouths will hang open a minute or two Then the Whos down in Who-ville will all cry Boo-Hoo!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch, "That I simply MUST hear!" So he paused. And the Grinch put his hand to his ear. And he did hear a sound rising over the snow. It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry! It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY! He stared down at Who-ville! The Grinch popped his eyes! Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small, Was singing! Without any presents at all!
Dr. Seuss seems like a pretty smart dude...of course, this analogy begs the question, "who is the grinch?" hmm not sure...although my heart may have grown a size or two since i came to africa...
Monday, June 15, 2009
Why haven't i been blogging?
uhh i just don't really feel like it. Plus other reasons...which are
1.) as much as i envisioned blogging to be the way to communicate to most friends/family while in Africa, i still write emails and letters to people who i feel would like to receive them. I'm usually saying the same thing in most of them so it just gets tedious to write over and over again. By the time it comes to the blog, i'm usually burnt out of repeating myself. So, i'm sorry for those of you who haven't gotten emails or letters and aren't left with much as to my experience thus far. i'll try harder to blog!
2.) I feel like alot of the stuff i have to say is more on the negative side. Not because there are no good thigns going on or there aren't things that i really like and enjoy about africa, but the stuff that comes to mind is usually how difficult it is for me to be in a completely different culture. It's really been quite a challenge and i hate sounding like i'm complaining all the time. I don't wanna be a whiner. And i guess it isn't really whining, and there are legitimate issues arising because of the clash of cultures going on, but i just don't want to sound so negative all the time. Maybe i should get over that because that's just what's going on and i'm sure you people want to hear about it regardless, so i guess i'll work on that as well.
3.) My third reason is that i feel like some of my experience here is just too hard to articulate. There's so much goign on in my head all the time and i'm always trying to figure stuff out and analyze differences and and critique things and answer some of my questions. It's just alot. And hard to put into words. Alot of that stuff is concerning my reaction to poverty...and also cultural differences. It's so much to take in and is all so new that it's overwhelming to try and explain. And it's not even like i've never thought about poverty before, or collectivist cultures, or africa, or whatever - but i feel as if everything i've ever known or believed about the world and culture and living, is being challenged here. Thankfully, my ideas and belief in God haven't really been affected...i feel like the last 3 years of my life i've been in the process of reconstructing and shaping my faith and i'm glad not to be going through that whole process again at the moment. But as far as God's expectations of us, as believers, and how he desires us to live in the world - those with money and without, has been a huge question i'm grappling with.
I'll say this. Before i came to africa, the issue of poverty seemed simpler and easy. It was easy for me to just explain that to combat poverty we just need the rich to come into real contact and relationship with the poor and then to redistribute the wealth that those rich people have, and everything would be okay (shane claiborne). And i don't think that idea is false or anything, but since i've been here, i realize that the problem of poverty is so complex! it's so multi-faceted and has all these dimensions that are bigger than my understanding. It was quite frustrating when i first arrived because i feel like i came to africa looking for answers...and all i've gotten are more questions. but that figures, eh? it's just like life...not to be what we expect. Even though it is a struggle to always ask questions and feel like i never get any closer to answers, i am pretty confident that i'm more knowledgeable and aware of how life really is now, than before i came here. Even though it feels as if i've regressed, i know there is progress in all these experiences and that i am growing and learning through it all. My fear is that i'll return home and push all these thigns to the side. I'll be so glad to be back in my country, culture, and comfort zone that i will forget what i've seen, and how important these questions and conversations are. As of now, i don't think that will happen and i have a feeling that I'll just feel more confused after i get home, but i know i can rely on you (friends and family) to keep me thinking and asking and conversing about all these things.
On a totally different note: I spent a weekend in Dar es Salaam, the capital city, and had a great time. Stayed in a banda (grass hut) about 100 yards from the Indian Ocean on Kipepeo Beach. it was an awesome time. very relaxing and so fun to swim in the ocean, lay on the beach, sleep in a hut. Had the best indian food i've ever had in the city and didn't get mugged. i'd call it a success!
Going to Capetown in exactly 8 days. praise the lord! i can't wait...i definitely am welcoming a week away from dodoma and all things tanzanian lol. Staying at a hostel that is supposed to be one of the best and planning on being a tourist through and through. Robben island, table mountain, and wine-tasting...here i come! And i'm planning on drinking coffee every day all day. until i want to puke. (Side note: I did get some Stumptown coffee sent over courtesy of Levi. I almost peed my pants and am still waiting to grind it up and drink. i think today is the big day! thansk again levi!)
Have a friend named Brandon (from Viginia) who's been in Dodoma for the past 8 months. His dad came over and they are travelling around for the month (climbing Kili starting today! so jealous!). They are planning on 3 days of safari in the Serengeti (which is in tanzania) and i think Josh and I will try and meet up with them! I'm really praying this happens because i've been told not to leave tanzania without going to the serengeti and i'm pretty sure it will be AMAZING. pretty pricey, but it's totally worth it. I just need to convince my host family to let me go...
That's it for now. Again, sorry it's long - but i'ts been a while. Hope you are all doing lovely and can't wait to see your faces in august!
1.) as much as i envisioned blogging to be the way to communicate to most friends/family while in Africa, i still write emails and letters to people who i feel would like to receive them. I'm usually saying the same thing in most of them so it just gets tedious to write over and over again. By the time it comes to the blog, i'm usually burnt out of repeating myself. So, i'm sorry for those of you who haven't gotten emails or letters and aren't left with much as to my experience thus far. i'll try harder to blog!
2.) I feel like alot of the stuff i have to say is more on the negative side. Not because there are no good thigns going on or there aren't things that i really like and enjoy about africa, but the stuff that comes to mind is usually how difficult it is for me to be in a completely different culture. It's really been quite a challenge and i hate sounding like i'm complaining all the time. I don't wanna be a whiner. And i guess it isn't really whining, and there are legitimate issues arising because of the clash of cultures going on, but i just don't want to sound so negative all the time. Maybe i should get over that because that's just what's going on and i'm sure you people want to hear about it regardless, so i guess i'll work on that as well.
3.) My third reason is that i feel like some of my experience here is just too hard to articulate. There's so much goign on in my head all the time and i'm always trying to figure stuff out and analyze differences and and critique things and answer some of my questions. It's just alot. And hard to put into words. Alot of that stuff is concerning my reaction to poverty...and also cultural differences. It's so much to take in and is all so new that it's overwhelming to try and explain. And it's not even like i've never thought about poverty before, or collectivist cultures, or africa, or whatever - but i feel as if everything i've ever known or believed about the world and culture and living, is being challenged here. Thankfully, my ideas and belief in God haven't really been affected...i feel like the last 3 years of my life i've been in the process of reconstructing and shaping my faith and i'm glad not to be going through that whole process again at the moment. But as far as God's expectations of us, as believers, and how he desires us to live in the world - those with money and without, has been a huge question i'm grappling with.
I'll say this. Before i came to africa, the issue of poverty seemed simpler and easy. It was easy for me to just explain that to combat poverty we just need the rich to come into real contact and relationship with the poor and then to redistribute the wealth that those rich people have, and everything would be okay (shane claiborne). And i don't think that idea is false or anything, but since i've been here, i realize that the problem of poverty is so complex! it's so multi-faceted and has all these dimensions that are bigger than my understanding. It was quite frustrating when i first arrived because i feel like i came to africa looking for answers...and all i've gotten are more questions. but that figures, eh? it's just like life...not to be what we expect. Even though it is a struggle to always ask questions and feel like i never get any closer to answers, i am pretty confident that i'm more knowledgeable and aware of how life really is now, than before i came here. Even though it feels as if i've regressed, i know there is progress in all these experiences and that i am growing and learning through it all. My fear is that i'll return home and push all these thigns to the side. I'll be so glad to be back in my country, culture, and comfort zone that i will forget what i've seen, and how important these questions and conversations are. As of now, i don't think that will happen and i have a feeling that I'll just feel more confused after i get home, but i know i can rely on you (friends and family) to keep me thinking and asking and conversing about all these things.
On a totally different note: I spent a weekend in Dar es Salaam, the capital city, and had a great time. Stayed in a banda (grass hut) about 100 yards from the Indian Ocean on Kipepeo Beach. it was an awesome time. very relaxing and so fun to swim in the ocean, lay on the beach, sleep in a hut. Had the best indian food i've ever had in the city and didn't get mugged. i'd call it a success!
Going to Capetown in exactly 8 days. praise the lord! i can't wait...i definitely am welcoming a week away from dodoma and all things tanzanian lol. Staying at a hostel that is supposed to be one of the best and planning on being a tourist through and through. Robben island, table mountain, and wine-tasting...here i come! And i'm planning on drinking coffee every day all day. until i want to puke. (Side note: I did get some Stumptown coffee sent over courtesy of Levi. I almost peed my pants and am still waiting to grind it up and drink. i think today is the big day! thansk again levi!)
Have a friend named Brandon (from Viginia) who's been in Dodoma for the past 8 months. His dad came over and they are travelling around for the month (climbing Kili starting today! so jealous!). They are planning on 3 days of safari in the Serengeti (which is in tanzania) and i think Josh and I will try and meet up with them! I'm really praying this happens because i've been told not to leave tanzania without going to the serengeti and i'm pretty sure it will be AMAZING. pretty pricey, but it's totally worth it. I just need to convince my host family to let me go...
That's it for now. Again, sorry it's long - but i'ts been a while. Hope you are all doing lovely and can't wait to see your faces in august!
Monday, May 25, 2009
on a different note
than the previous post...
i've had a really great weekend! I think after this last week (which is when I wrote the previous post) I needed a little bit of time away. Conveniently, there is a group of 3 New Zealanders who arrived in Dodoma this week and I've been getting to spend quite a bit of time with them, as well as some other mzungu's in town. It's been a nice little break to be able to have dinner with them and to get to process some of what I've been experiencing here with them. They're only spending a few days in Dodoma so they're off to Arusha tomorrow... but I'm already planning when I can take a trip to New Zealand for a visit. They've been a ton of fun to hang out with and I'm really thankful for their company. As well as some of the other people in town. One missionary family live on a compound about 15 mins. outside of town and i got to hang out there all day yesterday. It was glorious. Did some reading on their green grass, climbed on the big rocks around their house, watched their kids play football, ate home-made chocolate chip cookies(!!), etc. It was a much needed, relaxing day. Where they live actually reminded me of eastern Washington a lot. Made me wish I was hanging out on Lake Chelan with Rachael's family! :) Anyways, so i am quite thankful for the new friendships i'm finding here in tanzania...hopefully people I will get to see again!
i've had a really great weekend! I think after this last week (which is when I wrote the previous post) I needed a little bit of time away. Conveniently, there is a group of 3 New Zealanders who arrived in Dodoma this week and I've been getting to spend quite a bit of time with them, as well as some other mzungu's in town. It's been a nice little break to be able to have dinner with them and to get to process some of what I've been experiencing here with them. They're only spending a few days in Dodoma so they're off to Arusha tomorrow... but I'm already planning when I can take a trip to New Zealand for a visit. They've been a ton of fun to hang out with and I'm really thankful for their company. As well as some of the other people in town. One missionary family live on a compound about 15 mins. outside of town and i got to hang out there all day yesterday. It was glorious. Did some reading on their green grass, climbed on the big rocks around their house, watched their kids play football, ate home-made chocolate chip cookies(!!), etc. It was a much needed, relaxing day. Where they live actually reminded me of eastern Washington a lot. Made me wish I was hanging out on Lake Chelan with Rachael's family! :) Anyways, so i am quite thankful for the new friendships i'm finding here in tanzania...hopefully people I will get to see again!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
my constant prayer
these days is for patience. and understanding. Both of which seem so difficult for me to attain, yet so necessary for me to be content on this foreign continent.
Now that I have been in Tanzania for a month, some of the things that at once seemed novel and surprising and exciting are now becoming frustrating or annoying. Most of these things are just minor inconveniences that don't really bother me outside my moment of irritation. Things like the outlet in my room that never seems to charge my phone when i want it to, the luke-warm showers, the mosquito bites, the abundance of dry white bread, rice and beans, the absence of lettuce, lunch meat, and coffee, etc etc etc. I think i have enough patience within me to handle those things.
My prayers are for bigger things, such as the lack of freedom involved in staying with a host family. I opperate mainly on other people's schedules and rules which is not something i'm used to doing. Also, the lack of space to myself. Thankfully, I have my own room so that helps..but i live in a tiny house with 8 other people so there is never really any time alone. I am seeing how much i need that time to think, process, and recharge...to better function in this place.
I need patience for the teaching at the church. It seems like I am sitting in a service, preaching, teaching, or devotional every day if not more than once a day (and that alone requires immense patience for me to be present because i don't like sitting in church all day) and either the teaching is usually along the lines of a prosperity gospel, OR i am just confused as to what we are talking about. Often the verses don't seem to go together and the ideas articulated never seem to connect very well. I am somebody who highly values organization and research when teaching so it's hard for me to gloss over these things.
As I said earlier, it's getting difficult for me to sit through all the meetings and services. I'm pretty sure it's all part of the african way of life...taking the time to sit and talk about everything, or sing and dance. But it's just feels like too much for me sometimes. It's as if we almost spend more time sitting in meetings and services, than actually doing work. I can't change the fact that I've grown up in a culture where efficiency is a way of life. And i even think i'm on the "less-efficient" end of the spectrum, compared to most people i know... but being here makes me realize how much I, too, am a direct product of American culture. I realize how much time is a valuable thing to us from the West. How I even feel personally offended, when i feel like my time is being wasted. Respecting someone else's time is a way respecting them. Not so in Africa. All the Tanzanians seem perfectly fine with sitting through 4 hour long meetings or church services. lol, boy it's tough for me. I'm getting more used to it though, but I think that's only because i expect it now.
The last thing i'll mention that I need patience for is issues with money. I feel a little better about things this week, but last week i was a bit upset. The assumption here is that white = money. And i'm not saying that is a false assumption, and I don't mind that that assumption is made - if left at that. But it's never left at that. I feel as if I am asked for money constantly. It comes in different forms: the street kids with no shoes, the leprous grandfather sitting by the bush, the sunday service offering, the wed service offering, the fellowship group offering, the woman's business group offering, donations to the bishop's ordination, and basically anyone selling anything anywhere. I feel a little bit assaulted at times. And taken advantaged of. I am able to say no unless i really feel like I want to, but saying no gets tiring and wears me out. It's hard also, when i feel like half of the time it's the church hitting me up for money. And i never really feel like i can give in private. It seems to be everyone's business. I actually had a church member count the folded bills I gave him and tell the woman next to me how much I gave him. haha, that would SO never happen in America. I guess that's another way we respect people, privacy when it comes to money stuff.
I hate that this post is so long and sounds like I'm just complaining. I'm really trying to be conscious of that and to not put things or the people here in a negative light. I understand that the reasons these things are so hard for me is because of cultural differences and not some inherent flaw in africans or their way of life. And as a disclaimer, while I am finding many things difficult to deal with - it certainly does not outweigh the things I love and enjoy about these people and their culture. But i know that you, my friends and family want to know what's going on with me...and this is what I got. So thanks for listening to all this and thanks for all the prayers!
Now that I have been in Tanzania for a month, some of the things that at once seemed novel and surprising and exciting are now becoming frustrating or annoying. Most of these things are just minor inconveniences that don't really bother me outside my moment of irritation. Things like the outlet in my room that never seems to charge my phone when i want it to, the luke-warm showers, the mosquito bites, the abundance of dry white bread, rice and beans, the absence of lettuce, lunch meat, and coffee, etc etc etc. I think i have enough patience within me to handle those things.
My prayers are for bigger things, such as the lack of freedom involved in staying with a host family. I opperate mainly on other people's schedules and rules which is not something i'm used to doing. Also, the lack of space to myself. Thankfully, I have my own room so that helps..but i live in a tiny house with 8 other people so there is never really any time alone. I am seeing how much i need that time to think, process, and recharge...to better function in this place.
I need patience for the teaching at the church. It seems like I am sitting in a service, preaching, teaching, or devotional every day if not more than once a day (and that alone requires immense patience for me to be present because i don't like sitting in church all day) and either the teaching is usually along the lines of a prosperity gospel, OR i am just confused as to what we are talking about. Often the verses don't seem to go together and the ideas articulated never seem to connect very well. I am somebody who highly values organization and research when teaching so it's hard for me to gloss over these things.
As I said earlier, it's getting difficult for me to sit through all the meetings and services. I'm pretty sure it's all part of the african way of life...taking the time to sit and talk about everything, or sing and dance. But it's just feels like too much for me sometimes. It's as if we almost spend more time sitting in meetings and services, than actually doing work. I can't change the fact that I've grown up in a culture where efficiency is a way of life. And i even think i'm on the "less-efficient" end of the spectrum, compared to most people i know... but being here makes me realize how much I, too, am a direct product of American culture. I realize how much time is a valuable thing to us from the West. How I even feel personally offended, when i feel like my time is being wasted. Respecting someone else's time is a way respecting them. Not so in Africa. All the Tanzanians seem perfectly fine with sitting through 4 hour long meetings or church services. lol, boy it's tough for me. I'm getting more used to it though, but I think that's only because i expect it now.
The last thing i'll mention that I need patience for is issues with money. I feel a little better about things this week, but last week i was a bit upset. The assumption here is that white = money. And i'm not saying that is a false assumption, and I don't mind that that assumption is made - if left at that. But it's never left at that. I feel as if I am asked for money constantly. It comes in different forms: the street kids with no shoes, the leprous grandfather sitting by the bush, the sunday service offering, the wed service offering, the fellowship group offering, the woman's business group offering, donations to the bishop's ordination, and basically anyone selling anything anywhere. I feel a little bit assaulted at times. And taken advantaged of. I am able to say no unless i really feel like I want to, but saying no gets tiring and wears me out. It's hard also, when i feel like half of the time it's the church hitting me up for money. And i never really feel like i can give in private. It seems to be everyone's business. I actually had a church member count the folded bills I gave him and tell the woman next to me how much I gave him. haha, that would SO never happen in America. I guess that's another way we respect people, privacy when it comes to money stuff.
I hate that this post is so long and sounds like I'm just complaining. I'm really trying to be conscious of that and to not put things or the people here in a negative light. I understand that the reasons these things are so hard for me is because of cultural differences and not some inherent flaw in africans or their way of life. And as a disclaimer, while I am finding many things difficult to deal with - it certainly does not outweigh the things I love and enjoy about these people and their culture. But i know that you, my friends and family want to know what's going on with me...and this is what I got. So thanks for listening to all this and thanks for all the prayers!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
last week, i attended the wednesday night service. it was my first wed service so im not sure what they are usually like, but i think this one was a little special. it was a service marking the end of 3 days of fasting that the church was doing (only morning to evening fasting, so they ate dinner). i only fasted the last day - it wasn't even clear to me why the church was fasting, but i had some personal reasons so i thought i could go with it. anyways, wed night was my first time being present during a really charismatic worship time. i'm still not sure what to think about all of it. basically, we had the usual singing and dancing worshipt time. then there was a sermon, which was longer than usual, and all i got out of it was that he was talking about being filled with the holy spirit for about an hour. next thing i know, we are clearing the plastic lawn chairs out of the way cuz things were about to get crazy. there was lots of prayer, very repetitive. and then there was just lots of shouting, wailing, falling on the floor, laughing uncontrallably, laying hands on people, praying 'in the name of Yesu Christo', etc. i wasn't really expecting all of that. i decided to leave about 2 hours into the whole shebang. i figured it was a good time for me to learn how to get home by myself on the dala dala (bus). i made it, successfully - but have felt really confused about the whole experience so far. i definitely know that there are alot of christians who worship in that way, but i've never actually been in the midst of it happening. i don't reallyknow much about it at all except for the one week at capernwray where we studied the person and work of the holy spirit. and i distinctly remember hearing that god never desires for us to be out of control of our own bodies (and also self control is one of the gifts of the spirit, and the people in that room definitely looked a little out of control). anyways, i'm not trying to say that it is bad or wrong or anything. i just am trying to understand. i can't figure out what the purpose of all of that stuff is. what is accomplished by all that hubub? maybe i am asking the wrong questions and it doesn't really matter what gets accomplished. i guess then, is it really pleasing to god? or maybe mainly, is it genuine? is it real? do they make it up? convince themselves? or is it really the power of the holy spirit? hmmm...lots of things to ponder, and no access to any good books to educate myself. again as usual. i would love any input on the topic. gosh, africa is making me do some hard work with all these new experiences. but i'm glad. it's good.
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